I know there are many hurting in this page with grief. This is what I wrote about my uncle passing last year and my beautiful experience with my bloodline that day. Sharing in case it helps anyone.
Yesterday my uncle died 7 months before reaching 100 years old. He was an amazing man and lived fully as a world war 2 hero and professional soccer player. My kids loved listening to his stories.
He moved to Canada so I only met him in adulthood when he moved back and it was the first time I met someone who was like my Mom, because she lost the rest of her family before I was born.
Meeting him was like ‘ooohhh that’s who I am/we are’. Family is so connected whether we know them a short or long time, or we never met them.
He was the last person alive who knew my Mom’s Mom and Dad who died when she was young, and also her own brother who died at ten years old.
The ability to talk about her memories with anyone who also remembers them was fun for her, so she is kinda saying goodbye to them all again today.
I have always been able to feel this grief in her. She has a permanent ‘side of sad’ alongside all of her experiences. She coexists with it, for some periods in my life it took her over, but more recently it has softened. She will be able to navigate this now because she is stronger.
You know what’s true for me though today? This “beautiful sad” feeling.
When I channel my bloodline on that side right now they are all happy and peaceful and sending so much love to us right now because they know we will miss him.
It’s a really powerful love that is sad and makes me want to cry all the time, but it is truly so beautiful.
I can zoom in on how her brother who died at ten feels ..(my uncle) he’s still youthful and innocent feeling and so joyful and loving.
Feeling her mom’s flood of love makes me ball crying because it would have been amazing to know her and get that love from an in person hug. The grandma I never met, but she is sending her love to me today.
Her dad is, even in death, a man of few words and I get that vibe but also a peace about him, and a gentleness towards me.
And now my great uncle is back with everyone and it feels much more complete there somehow. They are happy to have him.
Being able to connect to their love whenever I want is powerful. It feels comforting that it exists as a permanent force, even though they are not here and even though I never met them.
I can feel the duality of their feeling complete and being happy to have him, as well as their sending so much love for us because they know we are sad.
I was told a while ago that I could access the medium realm “if I want to”. I guess today I want to.
It has been truly beautiful. Even though I can’t stop crying. ???
I’m done! This is so hard!! I’m overwhelmed, so Eff everyone!!! Overwhelm stinks, but what if you are creating that feeling yourself?
I don’t know about you but I’m kinda stubborn. Surrendering anything is super hard for me. Control in parenting, choice of paint color, anything. The curse of the recovering perfectionist.
In addition to that personality trait, the trauma I experienced as a child had me toughen up and take responsibility for things I shouldn’t have at an early age, which can be a hard habit to shake.
That type of experience also tends to have us put up some protection walls somewhere, that makes words like “vulnerability” or “surrender” be less desirable than ‘strong’ and ‘powerful”.
It feels strong and powerful to resist ‘what is’ and put up a fight. But then we feel exhausted and overwhelmed. What if there is another way…?
It’s a little funny how I came to the ‘surrender realization’ I am talking about.
I was not raised to be particularly spiritual. I was invited to a church in my 20s by a friend, and when I went, I felt alone and sad.
There were people there with joy in their eyes, with peace and genuinely hugging each other hello. I knew I didn’t have what they had and I didn’t know how to get it.
During the worship that day, my mind was wandering. I was so bored, they were singing the same verse of a song over and over again.
I was not entertained, so my mind was wandering on how I can get to the level of peace and joy that I had witnessed.
What was I missing? What did I need to do? The boring song was repeating that same verse over and over again.. “I sur-render. All to you. All to you”
“ I I I sur-render. All to you. All to you”…. “
As soon as it connected in my brain that I was being given my answer in the song, I opened a teeny weeny gap in my armor and spirit flooded into my body.
Physical feeling going through my veins, head spinning and my heart pumped with loving energy and support instantly.
Tears were coming to my eyes, although like the warrior I was, I was trying to swallow them down so no one saw or knew I was crying.
In that moment I knew it was true. There is a loving force, I am not alone. I skipped home smiling randomly at strangers because I loved them all.
I feel that powerful loving energy when any faith is praying, my Jewish and Muslim friends access the same energy. We are so loved.
I know this to the core of my being, yet there are days I feel overwhelmed and throw a tantrum. Why?
Because I am human and this surrendering thing is super hard!
We have to do it daily and our ego hates it.
If we want to BE in control (which ego does, because we feel it is in our best interests and protects us), we wind up FEELING in control and responsible – that is – to have the weight of the universe on our shoulders.
I like to call that process ‘promoting myself to managing director of the universe’. I feel responsible for the outcome of all the things around me, and get overwhelmed.
Then my thoughts escalate to things like “how am I going to get this done? Will it be good enough? Will I fail?
I continue to add more thoughts to this ever growing overwhelm, increasing my anxiety, until I remember – finally – that I am not actually the managing director of the universe. (phew!)
My job is to take my little action step, then surrender and trust.
Trust that He is better at this than me.
Trust that since He created the entire universe, He can probably handle my situation.
Trust that his way will work out even better than the version I am trying to ‘strong arm’ into existence.
Trust in His timing (my personal worst struggle, I’m so impatient).
Breathe and trust. That’s how this whole thing works best for everyone. Especially when things on earth here are super hard, we need to do our part, then let go.
So when I remember, here is what I know to be true, and its the opposite to the way my brain is naturally wired –
=>The hardest thing possible for a human to do is to trust something, or someone enough to surrender our ego’s will.
=> Faith therefore takes tremendous continuous strength, not weakness.
The challenge, daily, is to quit the self appointed position of being the managing director of the universe, in exchange for being divinely loved and supported instead.
Doesn’t seem so bad a trade when I remember
For me, what lights me up completely? Other women sharing their truths. I can feel the courage it takes and what it releases in the person, it’s magical.
When I have the honor to experience another woman letting go of everything to free herself of her stories, it gives me chills because I can feel that collective power shift in us all. With every personal healing moment, the collective power of women everywhere gets stronger.
Watching women on stage yesterday (just like us, except someone else picked out their jewelry), vulnerably share their personal stories of overcoming, brought tears to my eyes over and over again.
They didn’t need the group therapy; they were sharing their stories in support of the 32,000 other women listening. So we can see ourselves in them, and see a way forward for our lives.
Darkness is a part of all our journeys, that we need to shine through, and heal from.
Through example, we give other women permission to speak their truths out loud to others, and to not be ashamed because they were only lessons or experiences, and we are all human.
Fully understanding that, these women chose to spend their day with us vulnerably sharing themselves and giving beautiful nuggets of wisdom of what helped them at that moment, move forward.
Knowing that supporting 32,000 women will have a magical ripple effect on the universe. Would help us do what we do – take care of everyone else – and ourselves, better.
If you have even done this is small groups, imagine the power of both the vulnerability needed, and the support received in a room of 32,000 women.
So divinely powerful.
Feel better, so you can help someone else feel better. And so on.
Our stories are someone else’s way forward. Someone else’s life-line, how we can support their journey.
The collective power of women is not even close to being realized. As we heal ourselves, we see other women as allies more than comparing ourselves, and know how very much we need each other.
Focusing on ourselves first, healing ourselves in small groups and then supporting and praying for each other, is what it is going to take to heal our generation and impact the next profoundly.
We all shine brighter, together.
That is why it is far from selfish to prioritize and heal yourself. You are connected to everyone else, and you are an important part to this beautiful puzzle.
So gather up your girlfriends, connect and figure out a way to shine through your darkness today. Start the business of healing, what ever that looks like for you today.
“That type of thing happens in most families doesn’t it?” “I had it better than many”. As an intuitive trauma coach, I can tell you that all victims minimize their trauma, in fact it’s a symptom to.
I have coached homeless women struggling with addiction, they are wanting to numb the pain from the most horrific experiences that humanity has to offer. They compare their pain to other women who had it worse, and think there is something wrong with them that they can’t stop using or find work. If these brave warriors do it, for sure we all do.
Like the stay at home Mom who comfort eats to numb the pain of a stressful day. She tells herself that while dysfunctional, her childhood was like many others (which was so long ago now anyway), and if she only had more will power, she would be able to stop comfort eating.
Or the over achieving executive, killing herself to prove her self-worth over and over again. She must not make a mistake, because then everyone will see that she isn’t good enough for the position. Her childhood wasn’t so bad either compared to most (many Dads have tempers). The anxiety is maybe a medical thing. Or perhaps she is going crazy, either way she is certainly not going to tell anyone about it because everyone else has it all together and she is embarrassed she doesn’t.
Sisters – Childhood trauma is so common because we are all raised by struggling humans, and the world just sucks sometimes. Childhood trauma is most of us, but we all think everyone else is dealing with their stuff better than we are.
Trauma can be that one big thing, a period of time or a relatively small thing in our youth. Either way we can identify it because it has a big impact on us and how we view ourselves afterwards. It impacts our self-worth, if we typically feel lonely and how hard on ourselves we are.
This saying states it well :
“Someone who drowns in 7 feet of water is just as dead as someone who drowns in 20 feet of water”
Let’s stop minimizing our trauma ladies.
We all deserve love. We all deserve support. We all deserve healing.