Did you know that the need to please can be so ingrained in women that we equate saying no with saying “I don’t care about you?? Well that’s just silly, right?
As promised, tips on successful setting personal boundaries and guarding them like your happiness depends on it (it does):
• Be honest. Tell the truth with compassion and grace, don’t make up excuses. Half-truths will eat away at your integrity.
• Keep it short. You don’t need to justify your “no”.
• Avoid wimpy refusals like: “I’m not sure” or “I don’t think so” as some people will hear “maybe”.
• Make friends with the silence that will follow your refusal while the other person digests what you have said. Don’t fill the silence, it’s their turn.
• Circle back to what you are saying ‘yes’ to, by saying ‘no’ to this (e.g. time with your family, peace, your health etc) to strengthen your resolve and courage.
Not sure you know what actual words to say?? Play with these examples until one fits you, then practice, practice, practice!!!
• That doesn’t work for me.
• Not this time, sorry.
• I’m honored but I can’t this time.
• I’m learning to limit my commitments, thanks for thinking of me, but I can’t.
• I won’t be able to dedicate the time I need to it.
• That is actually something I really dislike doing, so I’m a ‘no’ this time.
• I’d rather stick needles in my eyes, but thanks.
• You’d be great at that, I think you should do it!
Ahh the very misguided musings of a tired, overthinking mind.
Goddess, Your thoughts just aren’t that special! We put too much faith in our intellect when we aren’t centered and balanced. Thoughts are just thoughts.
We all have them, lots of them. Some thoughts are triggers from fear, some are “I must figure this out or the world may end’ type thoughts. Breathe. You are not the managing director of the universe. You will be guided tomorrow once you get some rest, get centered and connect with our intuition and guides again.
Here are some tips on how do we shut down the worry/over planning thoughts down on demand at night:
=> Write down genuine ‘to-dos’ during day, so you can trust you are covered when you enter the ‘misguided musings’ hour.
=> Ask yourself, “What’s ONE thing I can do tomorrow to reduce or eliminate my concern now?”. Write it down and commit to doing it tomorrow.
=> Remind yourself that you are not the managing director of the universe, and review the scope of what you are concerned about with some humor.
=> Thoughts are just thoughts. Notice them with curiosity and wait for the next one; like waves on a beach. (this is a great visualization tool to fight the need to analyze each precious one!)
=> Fall in love with routine; go to bed and wake up at the same time everyday.
=> Create a habit to do whatever centers you and brings you peace, if not daily then start with a few times a week but as a routine.
=> Use mindful techniques to keep patiently bringing yourself back to “now” (vs future or past). I cover this more thoroughly in other posts, but am easy way to start is to focus on using your senses. You cant notice what you see, smell, hear etc if you are in the past or future.
=> Remember to ask for help, and repeatedly if your mind is putting up a fight – “Arch Angel Micheal (or your higher power) thank you for loving me. Please help me to give my worries away, I release them and trust I will be equipped with what I need tomorrow. Please fill me with peace and a knowing that I am loved and supported”.
Oh how often I fantasized about actually saying this to someone as I battled with my will to please over the years! Why can it be so hard to say no?
Until I got a handle on this, at times, I would run myself ragged doing too many things, sometimes out of obligation and guilt instead of compassion, love and choice.
Even against my growing intellect on the topic I would still struggle to say no if I didn’t have a good excuse, what if I just didn’t want to? would that be okay to say out loud?!? That used to paralyze me with fear.
In conversations with many girlfriends and clients, this is something women especially have a hard time with, and It can hold us back from designing the life we were actually meant to live.
Stay tuned to my next few posts on this topic… ‘The beginners guide to saying no’….
I think every parent wants more for their children than they had.
We want to guide them through life, and with our experience and their talent, anything is possible!
Perfectly understandable given how much we love them.
One important thing to consider is that they are following in our footsteps, absorbing our every thought and emulating our every aspiration for ourselves.
They will not reach their full potential until they can emulate us striving for ours. We can’t tell them anything is possible, from our couch while we are not reaching for our dreams and not taking care of our health.
What if putting yourself FIRST (or for some of us, getting ourselves anywhere on the priority list) is actually the best thing to do for our kids self-esteem?
And why not kill two birds with one stone?
Why not make ourselves fully accomplished, fulfilled and proud of ourselves, while teaching them to strive for what makes them happy?
Limiting beliefs, fear and old childhood wounds often hold us back from going after our own goals. We can easily pass these onto our children if we aren’t conscious of them.
Don’t all humans actually function more joyfully and effectively with a little self focus and self care? There is a great analogy that we need to fill the pitcher first in order to pour for others.
Daughters will learn from their mothers behavior how much their happiness will matter as woman, and sons will learn how much their wives and female friends matter.
So, lets start filling that pitcher, without the guilt, because we matter and we want to set a good example of self care!
What will you do for yourself today?
How will you show your children that you matter and are still in the fight for personal greatness?
Start small (a bubble bath perhaps) or make strong declarations about where you are heading in the future.. I would love to see your posts..
Goddess, I think you know about me that I speak the plain truth to you, even if it does’t feel good to hear 🙂
Whether you love or hate your life, you were partially responsible for created it. Everyone creates their life at each moment.
Either by conscious choice or unconscious default, you lead your life, as co-creator with your higher power.
The way you show up, your energy, how you communicate and ask for what you want, how you stand up for what you don’t want, how you relate to and with others, your thoughts (and wounds) about money and responsibility, it all shapes how others are around you, your current circumstance, your life.
Whether you are happy with where you are right now or not, the fact that you understand that you created it is great news! Really, I promise.
We all create our lives with a somewhat wounded mindset, and as we face our own stories and heal our wounds we are able to make different choices.
Since you are already creating your life, minute by minute, with a bit more focus and support to understand exactly what behaviors created which piece, you can create anything you want going forward!
I would love to support you in doing just that. So what do you want? what’s missing? what’s next?
Having a hard time believing you are that powerful in your own life?
